What ABC's "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" Has Taught Me About Relationships

To those outside of Bachelor/Bachelorette Nation, the show is a disgrace. I mean, one person dating 25 others on national television doesn't sit well with some and it definitely can't result in anything real, right? Now, I'm not here to say that "The Bachelor Method" is a dating style you should try at home, but there is no denying that it has done the trick for a few of its participants.

I've grown up with the Bachelor/Bachelorette....seriously, it has been a staple in our household for years. The sound of Chris Harrison clinking a butter knife against a wine glass to summon a rose ceremony has echoed out of my TV for longer than I can remember. This is my equivalent to watching football, just to put things into perspective for some of you out there. To those who have not grown up with the series, the title of this post probably seems a little iffy. To the "outside world" the show appears to be a trashy, scripted reality show that preys on the desperate and attention hungry side of society. To many people's surprise, the show is actually quite real and civil. Yes, there is always that "one person" on the show that you know is there for entertainment value, but despite the silliness of the dating situation, real relationships/lasting marriages have blossomed! I've seen the audition process and even helped film an audition tape for a friend, and believe me....the casting team doesn't play around. The process is extensive and carefully done with end results in mind.

So with all that being said, I want to share what all of these years have taught me:

1) "Good person" doesn't always mean "good for you"

Anyone who has ever seen the show has witnessed the breakups. The bachelorette/bachelor goes in with 25 men/women so naturally there are going to be 24 goodbyes. This condensed version of finding love allows the viewer to experience the complexity of it all. I have learned so much about what it means to truly mesh with a person through watching the experiences of those on this show. At home we could be rooting for a certain person to win the heart of the bachelor/bachelorette...but to our dismay they let them go! This person could have been the sweetest, more caring, more loyal person....but still they say goodbye. This confused me for years until I was in relationships of my own. There are beautiful people out there that have more wonderful qualities than you could count...but if there isn't a true emotional, spiritual, and physical connection between the two of you....the relationship could be a disservice to you both. I've dated wonderful people, but disconnects in major areas made continuing a healthy relationship impossible.

2) One sided relationships are a disservice to you both

Again and again on the show you see one person totally in love, and the other not feeling the whole situation so much. I used to think that if someone told me that they loved me that it must be my fault for not loving them back....that I was doing something wrong. How could they adore me so much while I felt nothing?! That's not how it is supposed to be, right?! Well I learned the valuable lesson that feelings and attachment can be one sided and that it's your job to speak up. If I would have stayed in my past relationships it would have been a disservice to them. They deserved someone who was crazy about them. The pain of a one sided relationship will be more intense than the short term pain of a break up.

 Bachelorette, Desiree, Season 09

3)  Break-ups don't have to be blow-outs

A break up doesn't have to be a spiteful event full of raging tears and anguish, it can simply occur due to a difference in personal direction, a disconnect in values/morals, immense change in who you are as a person from when you first started the relationship, etc.

4) Closing one door allows for another to open

If the you were to hold onto one okay person just for the sake of comfort and not having to look anymore, you could be robbing yourself of the opportunity to meet the person of your dreams! Goodbyes lead to new hellos. It takes courage though, I know.

Sean and Catherine, Season 17

5) It is important to be very aware of how they treat others

This is the classic show scenario: The Bachelor/Bachelorette will begin to fall for a certain person, but uknown to them, that person is the nastiest of the group! At home we yell at our TV's. How can they not see how horrible this person is?! Are they blind?! Well, it is important to realize that the face we put on while trying to woo someone is not exactly our raw face. You cannot judge the person you are newly dating based on their behavior while you are together...because your conclusions will not be 100%....or even 10% accurate in some cases. To really know a person, it is important to watch their dynamics with those that they aren't trying to win over. That's how they will eventually treat you.

6) You get the family and home life too!

Hometown dates are the ones that have been make or break on the show. A seemingly wonderful relationship can end very quickly if the family disapproves or a disgruntled family member decides to cause problems. In the long run, you are joining a family....dates and romance will not be your focus anymore. It is just as important to "date" the family as it is to date your special someone because it's a package deal! After that ring is on your finger, your time together doesn't end after you pay your restaurant bill....you are not a part of their daily life!

Various hometown dates/family meetings from various seasons

The show may not hold claim to the most effective, practical way of finding love....but there is no denying that one can learn from the Bachelor family's crazy journeys! Here's to season 19!!...after all, it's promised to be one of the most "shocking seasons yet" haha! 

Stop Asking Me To Do My Job For Free: My Adaptation

So there was an article that was circulating among the creative world a while back that spoke to the issue of "using" one's photographer/design/artistic friends for free services. Since I have personally experienced this, and intend to use my photographic talents as my main source of income, I decided to rewrite the article from my own (sincere) perspective.

Now hear me out before you read this, I LOVEEEE giving photos away and serving others through my work. However, I want to make the official statement that this is my job with which I will support myself, so free and/or deeply discounted services cannot foot the bill of living. Now this can be tricky when family members and close friends ask for work. If I had it my way I wouldn't charge anyone anything, but if I want to continue to bring forth my best work and provide for myself in a way that allows me to continue working in this field, I cannot give all the time. It is actually quite insulting to be asked to work for free.

Example requests:

1) "Sarah, this would be a great opportunity for you to gain some experience." 

Now, at first glance this is a pretty benign statement. I love going places and learning new things, but I have crossed the point of shooting purely for experience. I have spent years delving into the photo world, talking with professionals, learning under professionals, learning in the classroom, and doing free work for experience purposes. Every shoot I go on will give me experience, that is not the issue....nor is it what I'm chasing right now. I am a young business owner in pursuit of passion driven profit.

2) "Hey you should come hang out at this event and take some pics! Anything you take will be appreciated!"

I'm sure your event is awesome! I love events and people and being creative in different environments, but something has got to pay to put the gas in my car to get there.

3) "This would give you great exposure!"

While this again may be true, the same principle as above applies.

4) All you do is make profit! You already have a camera and a computer....why do you have to ask for so much!?

WRONG! Photography is littered with expenses.....from equipment upgrades (multi-hundred/thousand dollar lenses, pricey software updates, repair costs, printing costs, gas money to get to a shoot, not to mention my time) It is nowhere near a financial walk in the park.

What the creative person wants you to know:

1) Asking us to volunteer and abusing our time are two different things. I love volunteering and will continue to do that forever, but I will do so on my own terms.

2) The short time I spend taking photos with you is only the tip of the ice burg. All of the post processing takes longer than you'd think!

3)  My time is valuable. If you are coming to me to do a job for you, I'm going to assume that you don't have the skill set yourself or that you don't want to take the time to mess with doing a shoot yourself. If you don't want to pay for the product, there are other clients I could be working with that will.

4) It is insulting to me when you ask for free things. Every now and then, I get it.....but just because we know one another doesn't mean I can afford to hand out my services. Photographers normally start photographing for friends, friends of friends, and family, so excluding everyone I know from paying would mean I couldn't continue my work. You wouldn't ask your waitress to knock $10 off of your bill just because you didn't feel like paying it would you? Same applies to me.


So for all of you out there who know photographers or artists, please respect their gifts and time! Our jobs are just as real as yours, and our needs are just as real as yours. The best way to honor your photographer friends and show them that you value their talents is to hire them.